Roots

What do you do with a plant that doesn’t want to grow, or isn’t growing right? What do you do when you’ve given this plant the sun and water it needs to grow and produce fruit? You’ve given this plant love and attention not to mention affection. The plant sits in the window sill leaning toward that big huge gaseous star and actually has some leafs and branches, but there’s something missing. You have the plant in one sill in the morning facing east and move it to the western sill in the afternoons. At noontime you picnic with it and have a lovely time. You read to this plant, have conversations with it, and are just preoccupied with this nurturing plant. The problem with the plant is the plant’s roots. The plant has stopped growing because the roots have stopped flourishing. The pot that this plant is in has enough dirt, and very nutrient soiled dirt by the way, but the roots haven’t expanded. The plant almost seems to want to grow and be with someone else. What do you do with this plant that seems to be on your mind constantly? This plant came into your hands and started growing right before your eyes. You can’t just replace this plant with another, not because this plant is so superior to other plants, but because you put all this time, money, and energy into seeing this plant in particular grow and bloom. This plant was meant to blossom and achieve its teleological destiny. This plant is me. I’m the one with the root problem.

I have roots, or have at least been grounded and have entrenched roots upon the soil I was given in Bellingham. But I have stopped pushing the soil aside and growing my ever exhausting network of vines and veins. I’ve hesitated and this hesitation has its consequences. I’m leaving Bellingham to go live in Seattle. This is the whole reason I initially moved out here, my unexplained love for Seattle. My destiny seems to have put others at an unwanted position. The church I have been attending is having problems of attendance and seems as though in the near future it will no longer exist. The pastor is very sad to see me go, and while I feel appreciated to be seen as a valuable member of the church, I am also saddened at the realization that making friends and acquaintances without reserves and without intentions of telling them I will not be there for long and have plans of moving on inflicts emotional harm. Obviously, I never meant to give anyone false hopes and promises that I never intended on meeting just so I could dump them in the end of the reality for a dreamy place. I was myself. I was friendly and didn’t want to be cold and silent just so I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I wanted to make connections and friends so I wouldn’t be lonely. I was out for myself, but wanted to let others know I was there for the time being. Looking back, I don’t know what I should have done differently. In retrospect, I shouldn’t feel guilty for being myself and wanting friends. But I also know that I should have gone about it in a different manner, in a different way. This is my lesson. One that will help me in the future when I plan on living in an area for a limited time. I’m a traveler and a rogue. I experience most things once and move on. I do things simply to say I’ve done them, but maybe also for the experience itself. I want different tastes, different scenes, and different memories so I am well rounded. I only hope it will make me a better person, but my future will hold disappointments. My future will not leave much room for others to encapsulate me. Maybe the mistake was in going to a church plant. A new church, one that didn’t have a stable foundation and membership. Other churches, churches of a large membership can handle a rogue, but a new church plant cannot. My impact upon the beating heart of this church was soft and inviting but my exit will leave a tear. A tear that will only get worse before it gets better.